bananas on toast

Yeah baby! I just score a brand spanking new Nokia N-Gage! Woo hoo! Man they are cool phones, but the only problem is that the little bastards don’t come with any games. How much does that just suck? Oh well, all in all it’s still a kick ass phone, only thing left to do now is to sell my old phone on Ebay (which shouldn�t be too hard).

You know what the best part is about getting a new gizmo? The manuals. I like to use mine to make my bookshelf look full and just like everyone else with a full bookshelf; I haven�t read anything on it. Who reads manuals? I mean, I know chicks do sometimes, but is there anyone in the world so god damn dumb that they can�t figure out that the button with the envelope on it is for messages? If there are; where are these morons, who are these people and why haven’t they been shot? I think they should have two options; male and female. That way when they are selling stuff to a guy they can save the company a buck fifty and not supply the manuals.

I�ve been in contact with the guy who I am buying my laptop off and it looks like it’s definitely happening. It’s an awesome system and for less than $2,000 ($1,995 – lol) it is also an awesome buy! I am really excited and I can’t wait to get it, but after I get it I have to begin the dreaded task of selling my old PC. I don’t care about parting with it, but listing every last item on Ebay and shipping it all off is going to be a nightmare.

I have such an overwhelming urge to write. I want to write all day long until my fingers are sore and my keyboard is almost broken. I have so many thoughts and ideas all at once that I can’t catch just one of them and put it down. I wish I could slow my mind down enough to listen to my thoughts for a few seconds and hear myself think.

On the techno-upgrade I am going through; it seems to be all-steam-ahead! As of today I am purchasing the laptop I wanted, and after I pay for it I will begin Ebay auctioning my PC, piece by piece. It will be a headache, but I definitely think it’s a good idea.

I am also probably getting that new phone too. I should be able to get just enough for my current phone to get the new phone for $100 or for free, so I am pretty happy about that. I just want to have Sonic the Hedgehog with me at all times – lol.

I wish I had more focus lately to be able to concentrate on my University work. I really can’t seem to force my head down long enough to get even the slightest bit done. I know I need too, but it gets more and more difficult every day – I’m really stuck in a rut. I have the time and the opportunity to do it all, I’m just so lazy lately and it kills me. It kills me because I know I could be getting some really good marks and I’m not pursuing them as hard as I can. I am still getting okay marks, but not the exceptional marks I know I am capable of.

All right, so my little brothers good mate Shaun did this drawing and sent it to me. This is the same guy who drew me a few months back, if anyone rememebers. I wanted to put it up on my website for all to admire and I really want you kids to comment. If you like the drawing, PLEASE post a comment to this post and give the fella some support. I think he is a terrific artist myself and I hope you guys do too. Enjoy!

Please note: Shaun drew the picture, scanned it in and made the whole lot in Paint Shop Pro. Any graphic artists out there will know that Paint Shop Pro isn’t the easiest software to use, especially when compared to some of the more expensive paint tools out there.

Also note: Shaun is also available for freelance graphic art, let me know if you want him to draw anything for you and I’ll pass the message on.

First of all I have to say; isn’t this the most awesome phone ever to exist? I mean, anything that combines telecommunications and Sonic the Hedgehog has to be cool. So I think I am going to try and sell my phone and get one, because they are too cool. But first I have to sell my PC and buy a Laptop, which promises to be a huge headache. So basically I am in the middle of a very cool electronic upgrade at the moment, so hopefully it will be fun. I’ll keep the weblog updated with any geeky changes that happen in the world of Me.

Well this was supposed to be a long entry, but I have kind of run out of things to say. Well, maybe next time.

Angel headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night

Know this quote? It’s from Hackers right? Did you also know there is a poem titled “Howl”, by Allen Ginsberg, which this quote comes from? Definitely worth a read.

Who wants a story?
In my first year at college my friends and I discovered the delights of $7 bottles of Schnapps. Pretty potent stuff given that the liquor shop were practically giving it away. So every one of my friends and I bought a bottle (or four) and we decided to rendezvous in T-Bones room for a “Schnapps Evening”. Man what a night!

By the end of the night there were naked people running around college, a whole lot of people puking all over the place and a drunken donkey called “Steve” (pictured below).

I loved college life and all it had to offer, but it was nights like this that made you feel immortal. Cheap alcohol, good friends, some music and a tiny college dorm room. Those were the nights I lived for at college and the Schnapps Evening truly was one in a million.

I’ve got the cure for the itch, next time you wake up hungover, try Mitch’s 5 simple steps to recovery.

Step 1: Sleep in as much as possible, but when you do wake up consume copious amounts of water. Hopefully by the time you are ready to get out of bed you have at least a few litres in your stomach.

Step 2: English Muffins. Find them, eat them, find more, eat more. These things are awesome at soaking up whatever is left in your stomach and settling it. I had the raisin ones, they were still pretty darn good.

Step 3: Shower with Lynx Anti-Hangover (or the uplifting guarana one). You would think it’s a gimmick, but they really do work. They contain cool stuff that seriously makes you feel better. The gaurana and stuff is just absorbed through your skin and definitely helps after a big night.

Step 4: Locate an air conditioning duct and have a nap directly in front of it. Lowering your body temperature will definitely help in getting those last nasties out of your system.

Step 5: Go get drunk again. Repeat.

Hope this helps all the alcoholics who might read this page.

I know this is my fourth blog entry today and it’s getting beyond a joke, but I promise to try and hurry. I have to let everyone in on a short experience of mine tonight at the local supermarket. Tonight I needed some hair gel – okay stop it with the comments or this weblog will be over in the click of my fingers – because the stuff I was using was making me sticky and making me look like a girl.

So I am walking down the aisle sizing up the different brands and saw a new one being advertised as being “for blokes”. Pretty funny I know considering all the gay jokes I will cop for this off my friends, but let’s progress into the story. I am standing there and I put the new gel into my basket and from behind me I hear a comment about how good it is to see that some guys can unashamedly look after themselves and take pride in their appearance. I laughed it off considering I only use it because if I don’t my hair is fluffy and makes me look like more of a dork than usual. As I turn around the person who made the comment caught my eye and to my surprise she was actually quite attractive. Attractive, but clearly a bit older than me considering her son was with her and he was about 15 years old.

Oh my god! Did a MILF just make a pass at me? I mean, she had to have been at least 35 years old, which isn’t that old, but seriously I am only 21. She smiles up big, which is even worse because the look on her son’s face is that of sheer embarrassment. I really felt for the kid, but I couldn’t help laughing (on the inside) at this 35 year old trying to pick up a youngen’ with her son present.

So I laughed this off and made way for the checkouts. I figure it was time to get out, but just then I realize that I have forgotten to get a bottle of coke like I wanted. I figured the coke was miles away from the aisle with the gel etc. in it, so I make a dash hoping to get out before the clutches of the MILF came for me again. I walk towards the express lane and notice that the MILF is currently last in the line.

Do I line up behind her or do I find another checkout? I look down the row and every checkout has at least 600+ item customers and I am looking at a long wait. I bit down hard and make way for the express lane. Much to my comfort she is too busy fluffing her hair for all the guy walking in to be worried about the guy standing behind her and her son looks like he is about to kill her. All in all a funny experience and a narrow escape of the perverted older women.

Dear MILF,

If you are reading this, you must know that in another time and place your comment may have been taken nicely and I could have fulfilled a fantasy. I am sorry, but I have a girlfriend right now and hopefully won’t be done with her until you are old and withered. Thanks for the compliment anyway.

- Mitch

P.S. Nice mini skirt, seriously. ;)

Just a small note for the anonymous swine who once again emailed me without revealing who they are to abuse me on being a “cheating bastard”. Perhaps you need to reactivate your humor chip and read this entry again? The entire point of this entry was that I have *no* intentions on cheating on my girlfriend, but rather to emphasize the hilarity of the MILF and her poor poor son. If it was your mother then I apologise deeply for checking her out, but the lady has some pretty nice legs. I suggest getting a life and stop living out of other peoples weblogs, especially someone as boring as I.

This weeks Friday Report is going to be a bit of a comic fest. In recent times many friends of mine have pointed me to various online comics and the likes, so I figure why not give the masses (my two regular readers and you, anonymous swine) what they have been asking for. Just a warning; this is a slightly longer than normal entry so I won’t be displaying the entire entry on the main page.
Continue reading ‘More fun then a Barrel o’ Monkeys v3.0′

What is the worst part about boredom? In my opinion it’s the fact that you would give anything to have it killed and there is no one around to take your “anything” from you and alleviate your boredom. Here I sit, it’s Friday night and you would *think* I would have something to do. Do I? Not chance. Apart from sitting here, coding up some assignments and possibly having a Heineken and posting on my weblog, I ain’t doin’ shit.

Mostly I put it down to this. I grew up here, in Dubbo, with a lot of good friends. Some of them still live here, but most of them have moved away for Uni. The few who stayed are still the 16-year-old idiots that I was when I was 16. Unfortunately I have changed so much over the last 5 years that those guys just annoy the absolute crap out of me. So basically my choices are between being bored or pulling my hair out, and considering I am already thinning on top I choose being bored.

Man, I’m complaining a lot huh? On much happier notes, even though you might not guess, I am happier right now than I have been in a long long time. I’ve met someone who shares all my interests, my beliefs in life and it also doesn’t hurt that she is absolutely gorgeous. When she reads this she will probably tell me to edit that part out, but I don’t care, she IS gorgeous.

Okay, so I am about to go and try and write up something fun for the Friday Report and hopefully get that back on track. That will be my third post today, but who’s counting right?

Update: I will be working a little harder on keeping the Friday Report a bit more regular. To make it a little more fun I would love it if users commented to the existing Friday Reports any sites they would like to see in future. Thanks.

It has been recently bought to my attention that I am not as funny as I used to be. I received an email from someone whom I do not know, but they felt the need to tell me what I am doing right and wrong and to give me a friendly “you are not as funny as your old blogs”. I’m not quite sure if that sentence makes complete sense, but thank you anonymous swine, I will try and be funnier.

Let me see. Well today my little brother informed me that the little ball of hotness I witnessed a month ago today is soon to be informed of what a perve I am. If I cared this could be classified devastating news, but I have a girlfriend so to be honest I couldn’t give a shit. I mean, it’s not like the girl doesn’t know she is hot.

In other news I am having yet another lonely weekend. All my friends are at Uni and my girlfriend is busy; so it’s just me, a bottle of red wine, 2 assignments, an acoustic guitar and a block of cheese.

God, am I tragically trying to be funny? I think I am. Good god, is there anything more pathetic than the kid at the party who tells the lame jokes? I’m going to crawl under a rock now.

Six die in a tragic accident:

Remember that funny post I did yesterday titled “lazy kid”? Remember you took the cool picture, printed it up and gave it to your gran for her birthday? Remember how funny it was as she tried to laugh through her spasmatic reaction to realising what a demon her grandchild was?

Well I was so uninspired by the hilarity of it all I went to the Dispair, Inc website and purchased a screen saver. It set me back $20, but I figure that after I take copies of each image, print them as gifts and stickers and so forthe I will definately make my money back. The entire thing was so funny that I had to share this one with everyone, especially one of my good mates Paul (who is the king of pessimism – so he tells me). Enjoy!

Update: Paul has informed me that he is a “realist” and not a “pessimist”. I always say the glass is half full, so anyone who disagrees is a pessimist.

What do you think of the headings? Pretty cool huh? I downloaded another movable type plugin from mt-plugins.org earlier that creates graphical headings for me using the font I like. I think it adds to the weblog nicely. If you are a fellow movabletype user I strongly recommend visiting mt-plugins.org and downloading some handy extras.

What else have I been up to? Well nothing. I had a lazy and unproductive day. I should have been making a huge start on my Systems Analysis assignment, but I really didn’t have the motivation, and let’s face it, it takes a lot of motivation to do something you don’t want to do. I have never felt less motivated in my life than I have these last 5 or 6 days. A cattle prodder couldn’t get me moving, it’s really quite pathetic. In honor of my newfound laziness, I have uploaded a very pretty picture. Enjoy. LoL.

Hey, I just downloaded a cool plugin for moveabletype that can give me statistics on words etc. used in my weblog. I just added a “Weblog Stats” section on the sides with some statistics on words and things used in the weblog. I want to do a word count on a specific word, so if there is a word I use a lot that I am not aware of let me know.

I think 28 Days said it best in their song “Early Mornings”…

Early mornings make me angry
And routine takes away the very essence of the day
But when reflection shows a need for the latter then it matters
So I don’t waste away

I used to wakeup at eleven and I
Never did shit I’m thinking as I pen it that I
Could have used my time a little wiser
But it’s too late I should have fucken opened my eyes up

Don’t you agree? Nothing can be more dissatisfying than having to get up before lunchtime. Who on earth has the right to make the sun come up and expect people awake at this time? It’s ludicrous. I realize that back at the dawn of time some loser decided to make “mornings” a time for work, so I believe I will build a time machine and go back and kill said person.

I mean, there are pros for every con, being up so early opens a lot of windows. I can potentially get a lot of my assignment done. I can potentially go to McDonalds for breakfast. I can potentially do a lot of things, but I am too damned tired and grumpy to do anything! I am sitting in front of the computer typing and pulling the crud from around my eyes. I have no energy, no motivation and NO CAFFEINE! What kind of cruel cruel world is this? Actually I am staying away from coffee – that’s right, my one true love is now off limits. Lately one cup of coffee in the morning is enough to keep me up all night and that’s just not good.

Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain!

…sick of it…?

Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain!

Okay, I will shut up now

So as you should be able to tell, I have gone and bought a second domain name! Why? Cause I damn well feel like it, that’s why! Basically the University Administration Unit told me to move it or lose it, I didn’t want to have a boring URL, and what’s $14.95 a year anyway? Nothing, that’s what! So I spent some money and here you are.

The bonus of having it hosted the way it is, is that friends can now have weblogs. That’s right; if you are a nice little kid and want me to host your weblog for you, just let me know. I can do something like username.bananasontoast.org or bananasontoast.org/username, or whatever you want. Well just those two, so not really *whatever* you want. You just have to be sexy, naked and you have to promise your first born to me. Okay, all except the first born, and no naked guys.

I have just spent about the last 4 hours installing scripts, rewriting code, making template files, fixing the color scheme, drinking beer, phoning sex hotlines… oh… um, scratch that last one. You get the point, a lot of work has gone in, so if you are reading this BE GRATEFUL!

So enjoy the site, be sure to let me know if you want your own weblog account and remember…

Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain! Domain!

I swear I will never drink coffee again! It’s 2:00am and I honestly can’t sleep, which sucks cause I wanted to be up at 6:00am to begin a huge day of assignments and stuff. I hate sleep; it’s the most useless thing in the world. Get too much and your tired, get too little and your tired, get just the right amount and things are okay, but only until the next time you mess up and throw your patterns out of whack. I have the worst sleep patterns on earth, I know this, but I feel as though god is taking a cruel amusement in toying with my sleep by giving me too much one day and not enough the next.

I don’t know what bubble gum is supposed to be about, but I thought it was a good start to an interesting title.

I have given up my search for my lost journal. I started my new journal a couple of weeks ago, but I was still hoping to find my old one – an old scrapbook filled with stories I had written and my thoughts. I am heaps upset at finally facing the fact it is gone for good. I have looked everywhere and I am now certain it is nowhere to be found. My old journal had most of my creative writing in it, all the good stuff anyway, and a lot of personal notes to myself. Losing it is like losing a big chunk of myself, and it totally sucks. I am only 8 pages into my new journal, which considering my last journal was a 500-page notebook almost full, really sucks. Every time I feel the need to write a story or do something creative I just get stuck really bad. I am sure that any readers I may have would have noticed a rather large decline in the humor of my online journal.

As of tomorrow I am going to start making the blogging a little more casual. I will post at least 3 or 4 times a week, but I’m not going to put pressure on myself to blog every single day anymore. I suggest if you wish to be notified of my new entries you subscribe using the links on the right hand side.

Okay, I shall try again to find the slumber I so greatly desire. If I have to make another blog entry out of boredom before 8:00am I am going to be severely upset!

Is this the best T-shirt or what? I think YES! I think it is so sexy that soon I might have to pay the ridiculous conversion rates from Australia to America and buy it. That or a kick ass Homestar Runner shirt. But considering right now I am broke and have no positive outlook for cash it will go on the back burner.

Anyone want a web designer? I will work for cash, food, cola, coffee, bandwidth or thinkgeek apparel. I may also consider working for precious gems, lentils or perhaps even valuable metals, but only if we speak first. LoL.

You know what I want? I want a midget programmer to do my biddings. And do you want to know what I don’t want? Of course you do, I don’t want to have to get up in the morning tomorrow and have to finish this damned assignment. Piece of crap degree, I mean seriously, who needs a degree right? LoL.

Hey, I feel like blogging a joke, and considering this is like a bus ride you guys can just come with me on my little ride! NOW SIT DOWN!

Monica Lewinsky went up to a pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms."
The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?"
"No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

Man, I had the best phone call today. Me and a good mate of mine, Harey, had a great conversation remembering old times and stuff. It was the best, him and I were great friends back at UNE and I can’t even remember how many times we got blind rotten drunk and stumbled home together.

We are going to be getting together sometime this week, or perhaps on the weekend, for a few beers and a few games of pool. I can’t wait to see him, we have had some really memorable times together.

Dammit, I just went back and put all those links and italics in and now I dunno what I was going to write about. Umm… I might write another entry later if I remember.

I absolutely love the song “Outside” by Staind. Man, what a funky tune. I think when I first listened to it I thought it was a love song or something, but after reading the lyrics I now realise otherwise. I think everyone knows some self-righteous git they could relate this song to.

So I downloaded the tabliture to this song and learnt it the other morning. Considering the quality of the sounde etc. it was a hell easy song to play, comprising of only 9 chords. I had some good fun with it and trying to sing and play at the same time proved as humorous as all the other times I have tried.

I scored a Heineken Operator Logo last night after my blog entry, which I think just rules. Gotta love the heineken. I also sat down and made a “powered by heineken” logo to go on my website. I thought that was pretty appropriate considering just how much coding I do while slightly under the influence.

I remember back at Uni getting 100% for an assignment I didn’t even think I would get complete. I coded the entire thing while drinking goon shots with T-Bone on my bed. Now if that’s not impressive, nothing is! By the time I submitted it at 11:30pm and T-Bone and I caught a taxi up top I was plastered.

Tonight, I am reminded more than ever of a great joke I used to tell all the time back in school:

Q: What’s the difference between Australian Television and a piece of crap?
A: You can’t change the channels on a piece of crap.

Why am I reminded of it so strongly tonight? Because next Thursday there is a special presentation called “Australia’s Most Identical Twins.” What a load of absolute rubbish! Could there be a topic less interesting? Who really cares how identical they are? Unless it’s nude bisexual lesbians, no one on this planet could give a second care!

And lets not forget the worlds grossest commercial ever!

There is currently an commercial on television advertising double sided denture tape, or some such nonsense, with a pair of 50 year olds pashing. That is the most disgusting thing ever, there is nothing more likely to give someone visuals of their parents making whoopy than that.