By popular demand, after a conversation had about 3 days ago, I am writing a rave about the Commonwealth Bank Dollarmite accounts. For those of you who are uninitiated in this devious plot, I shall recap: The Commonwealth Bank (hereby referred to as “thieving assholes”) somewhere in the 80’s started a plot to get children banking at a young age by sending representatives to every school in the state/country (I’m not certain how far this plot reached) to collect their little savings.
Sounds harmless right? They are teaching kids the value of saving money, plus they are generous enough to give them 0 fees every month and about 2% interest more than mum and dad are getting. While spouting off their cheeseball slogan “I’m a Dollarmite!” they fail to mention is that when your children turn 15 they get a wonderful speech from the lady at the front of the bank. She says something that would make any kid drool, she says “would you like your very own ATM card and go onto a teenager account (hereby referred to as ” the we’re-gonna-fuck-you-with-fees account). I mean, c’mon, how many 15 year olds are going to say no to this? I sure didn’t.
So I went home with my application form already being processed and 3.5 days later the shiny new card arrived in the mail. I had been practicing my signature on an old envelope for days and I finally got to scribble my name across the slipper piece of tape across the back of my card. I was a big kid dammit and I had $160 in my account and I was gonna blow the lot!
I carefully did the maths on the things I wanted/needed. I needed a new art folder ($15), new pencils ($5), a new bag for school ($35) and the shoes I wanted were a pair of converse all-stars ($100). It was a tight budget, but I could manage it baby. I walked the town all afternoon using my card every single time and lastly walked into the shoe store. I kept telling myself that I would have $105 in my account, so if I got $5 cash out I could even get a coke on my way home, could life be any better?
After about 15 minutes of trying on different sizes I found the fit and feel I wanted. I got the ultra high-top model and the girl put them on the counter. She put her hand out and I knew she was expecting cash. A pretty girl at least 5 years older than I was, when I handed her my key card I was certain she would be impressed. She took it without so much as batting an eyelid and swiped it through her machine. I took up the hand pad and typed in my key card as fast as I could, I was positive that by now I could remember this pin till the day I died, but as I write this it seems so many lifetimes away.
“Uh, sir, your card has been rejected,” she said condescendingly as she handed the 3 inches of plastic back to me. My world crumbled as she said it. “Maybe I put in the wrong pin,” I knew it was right, but I thought that saying this would save me some face. But, alas, her reply attracted some looks when she said, “no, sir, it says insufficient funds.”
I swallowed hard down on my pride and told her I’d be back in 5 minutes and not to put the shoes away. The bank was little more than a block away, I was gonna go find out what the hell happened to my savings. I walked fast and I was sure that every person I passed could see my burning red cheeks and I strode smoothly into the bank. I walked to the front counter and after a short wait I gave the lady my card and she swiped it.
“And how may I help you, sir?” The word sir suddenly started to sound like “fuck you,” but I pushed the words out.
“I had $160 dollars in my account this morning, and when I just went to buy some shoes for $100 it said I didn’t have enough money.”
She punched several keys and replied coolly, “you have $87 in your account.”
“But I had $160 in it this morning and I’ve only spent $55, that doesn’t add!”
“Yes, sir, but there have been several fees attracted to your account. Firs there was a fee for your ATM card, then several standard account fees and fees for withdrawing from a bank other than our own.”
Even at 15 I knew this was wrong. Even at 15 I knew they had used the coolness of an ATM card to lure me into an account that was gonna cost me money. Even at 15 I had the courage to talk back, “that totally stinks, I am still a student, I thought I didn’t pay fees.”
I was so upset and embarrassed I could barely listen to whatever she might say to rebut my case, so I quickly grabbed my card off the counter and walked out. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I walked back into the store and explained to the clerk that I wouldn’t be picking up the shoes and I walked home much slower than I would have with a brand new pair of high-tops on.
[A very special thanks to ~xenogenesis- over at deviantART for taking a picture of her beautiful yellow Dollarmite booklet.]
