Today I had the
pleasure of opportunity to play with a Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ30K, one of their latest digital SLR cameras. It tries very hard to bust into a market that is predominantly owned by Canon and Nikon, that market being low to medium range SLR digital cameras. The camera itself didn’t impress me at all and a lot of it really disappointed me, but a few things made me laugh.
The first thing is that it claims to be an SLR (single lens reflex) camera, however it uses an LCD to display the viewing image. The second being some of the more exotic scene modes including; Portrait, Sports, Food, Scenery, Night Scenery, Panning, Night Portrait, Fireworks, Party, Snow, Baby, Soft Skin, Starry Sky, Candle. What the hell is with all of those? Do people honestly take so many photos of candles and “soft skin” that they require their own shot mode? I doubt it.
In honor of their wonderful scene modes, I made up a few of my own. A few that have some practical uses in the real world and people would actually use. Panasonic, if you read this and use my ideas, I don’t ask for much: One… Hundred… Billion… Quabadazillion dollars! Okay, so here goes, Mitch’s scene modes.
Porn mode – Pretty obvious, it enhances the skin, makes dicks look bigger and helps your girlfriend look less like she is faking it. Also has an advanced image stabilizer that adapts to your sexual rhythm and allows you to take better shots.
Perv mode – All the lights outside go off and all sounds deactivate. The Sunglasses (sold separately) use a laser to “paint” the target in order to locate it, the camera does the rest. No more awkward moments on the beach when your aunt asks you if you just photographed her nude!
Bitch mode – You’ve just run into your girlfriend who insists you are still friends and you “just have to get a photo together!” Bitch mode will have her looking like an ugly trollop and have you looking like Don Juan Delanooch! Please note, the camera improves the looks of the person holding the camera, make sure you take a self portrait or you too could have
egg ass on your face.
Dick head mode – No, it’s not the male equivalent of the bitch mode. Simply put; your taking a photo of the guy who gate crashed your party, it puts a dick on his head.
Spew mode – While taking photos of vomiting friends at parties, the camera listens for the token “HUUEAAAHHH!” and snaps a shot the instant the carrots fly! No more getting angry because all you got was a set of bleary eyes and a puddle that looks like a dropped pie, catch every spew shot at your next kegger!
Teen shot – Whether your 16 or 17, you are bound to be taking photos of your eyes, tits, bits and pieces, lame shoes, stupid hair, “emo” looks, pasty white boyfriends/girlfriends, angsty drawings, animals that weight less than a kilo, or a billion other things. This setting will make sure that your shots turn out grainy like a webcam shot at a crap resolution and all ready to be uploaded to your latest online “rate me” site.